Saturday, March 11, 2006

Oh My Gosh, I found the answer!?

Perhaps its the travelling, nope, I don't mean the fatique. Just the whole process of travelling. It always brings out alot of emotions in me. In my younger days, I travelled to get over relationships, to figure out how I should proceed with my life; playing and re-playing the lyrics, "Where do I go from here....".

Anyway, this time round, I woke up in Shenzhen one morning and guess what I felt? I felt that its GREAT to be a civil servant! No Kidding. These words were my exact thoughts. And to top it all, I felt that I am just the right person to be a civil servant! Oh my gosh. What came over me? Did I wake up on the wrong side of the bed!? haha.

Unlike many of the children I watched on TV, I never really thought of what I want to be when I grow up. I hate the "My Ambition is..." kind of essays. For goodness sake, how the hell would a child know the essence of the word 'Ambition". So you see, very often, kids would want to be a teacher or even a father or a mother. Why? Because these are the characters they are familiar with. They don't know any better.

Anyway, back to me. I never quite figure out what I want to be when I grow up. All I know is I wanted to do something that would 'affect' the 'masses' in a positive way. That is say, I wanted a job that would 1) bring good to people and 2) lots of people. For a while, I thought social service is the answer but deep down, I just felt that was not it.

I thought I stumbled into TV but on hindsight, I did not stumble into it. It was the job that I always wanted. As a Current Affairs Producer, I scripted, directed and produced stories that affected and served to educate lots of people. Even then, it was not all smooth sailing at first. I was tasked to produce for Money Mind, a business and financial programme. I knew somehow it was just not me. I was miserable. I didn't know why. I should have listen to my heart - bring good to people and lots of people. With Money Mind, I 'brought' good to only the selected people. I was 'helping' the rich get richer if you may say. Is that what I seek? Nope. Subseqently, I did find my way. I found fulfilment in producing Code Red, Talking Point, elections coverage, social documentaries etc etc.

As a producer with Television Corporation of Singapore then, I was a civil servant.

A short stint meddling with marketing communications in a SIN bank thereafter proved once again that I have to listen to my heart. Some things wouldn't change. Some basic instincts just wouldn't.

I read about the Chinatown project in the papers. And most definitely I did not stumble onto the Singapore Tourism Board. It was again something I wanted to do. 'Bring good to people' - I speak Cantonese, I love Chinatown; its history, the culture. I speak good English. In other words, I can be the bridge between the unglam Cheena Chinatown folks and your regular English speaking 'government' people. I will understand the masses and yet have the ability to translate what they need and what they want to the 'government', the 'atas' architects, the 'glam' designers etc etc. This task will affect 'Lots of people' - the Chinatown folks, generations to come.

The empty taxi queue at the then World Trade Centre when the cruise business was down, the quiet hotels and malls during SARS; these scenarios affected me. They made me realise that my job is damn important. I think of myself as but a small fly, fry, whichever. When I go on education fairs in the last few years, I even thought of myself as a prostitute. You would if you have gone on fairs after fairs in India, Indonesia, Vietnam, Thailand, Moscow etc etc. You stand with your legs 'opened' at the booth, you try to look your best, you smile, you persuade, you explain. People come, people go. You can't choose who you want to serve. You reach a 'high' when the people you speak get what they want from you. I can go on but need I say more? But with all that, I go back fulfilled. I think of the possibility that my small contribution has resulted in an extra customer for a Citicab Uncle. That a hotel chambermaid Auntie has another room to clean.


I searched for years looking for meaning in life. Meaning in what I do. Perhaps I have always found it but I never realised it? Its in civil service that I found meaning. Oh my gosh, what did I just say? Me the 'to hell with it', 'I don't give a shit' person, Me the 'whats with all the paper work', Me the 'Rules are meant to be broken' gal....did I just say what I just said?

:-p

4 comments:

lisachua said...

i don't believe this! am i hearing you right? are you real? or will you wake up once more and say it's all just a dream? in any case, it's good to know what you want, even for a brief moment. if it's not a dream, then.. GOOD FOR YOU! YOU ARE SAVED!! now my turn.. :)

quierotango said...

that's awesome! it doesn't matter what moniker you go by; you know what your heart is for and it's great when you realize what you are is what you've always wanted to be. awesome, awesome, awesome! some people go through their entire lives without seeing that. next time you feel crappy about life and work, go back to this moment of epiphany. congratulations.

noz said...

sayang... yeah I think u and I are the same. We have to have meaning in what we do... Why the hell do you think I stayed in SURIA so long and take all the crab from that old man... its because I felt I could contribute and do something positive there... and I felt that I was the best person to do that job. But one sided love does not work. I left because my family needs me and there;s LOVE. The person who took over me resigned after 3 months as head of commisioning.. last the VP of HR wrote to me and ask if I wnat to return... too late darling...
But its good to know that you have found what you're looking for. You know, everyday when I felt crap going to work...I will always look at the positive side and at how lucky i was to be in position to shape people's thoughts.....good for you sayang!!!!

orangeclouds said...

Yup. We just can't fight the call of our hearts. Sometimes this leads us into the most unlikely of places. Sometimes we crash and burn as a result. But we just can't fight who we are and how we've been made.

Now remind me the next time I go overhauling my hairstyle/house/city/life :)

- your new friend orangeclouds