If only..
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Wednesday, April 26, 2006
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
Sunday, April 16, 2006
Will things ever be normal again in SIN?
"Smile and walk away!"
"Be confident."
These were the words of advice from my 'script-ready' ex-TCS colleagues.
Truth is, I had butterflies in my stomach as the evening drew near.
The occasion? A networking session in which I could possibly meet up with HIM again. My heart had sunk right down into the deep blue sea when I saw the name list three days before the session.
I walked in confidently. I combed through each and every corner. I saw his colleague/flat-mate but not him. I was relieved. Or was there a sense of disappointment?
"Are you in touch with him?". I shook my head.
"Do you know he's married?". I nodded.
"Do you know we were seeing each other right under your nose?". I wanted to tell him.
"Do you know he tried to break up with her and she landed in hospital?". The words were stucked in my throat.
"Do you know why he got married in three months when he didn't and couldn't do so for 12 years?".
Nope, he wouldn't know as the words remained .... as butterflies in my stomach.
"Be confident."
These were the words of advice from my 'script-ready' ex-TCS colleagues.
Truth is, I had butterflies in my stomach as the evening drew near.
The occasion? A networking session in which I could possibly meet up with HIM again. My heart had sunk right down into the deep blue sea when I saw the name list three days before the session.
I walked in confidently. I combed through each and every corner. I saw his colleague/flat-mate but not him. I was relieved. Or was there a sense of disappointment?
"Are you in touch with him?". I shook my head.
"Do you know he's married?". I nodded.
"Do you know we were seeing each other right under your nose?". I wanted to tell him.
"Do you know he tried to break up with her and she landed in hospital?". The words were stucked in my throat.
"Do you know why he got married in three months when he didn't and couldn't do so for 12 years?".
Nope, he wouldn't know as the words remained .... as butterflies in my stomach.
What have I been up to? I have been 'busy' with JJ, Singapore's new tourism ambassador to Greater China.
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The FACE of SIN EDU...and almost the face of Singapore. This girl is first runners-up to Miss Singapore Universe 2006
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Saturday, March 11, 2006
Oh My Gosh, I found the answer!?
Perhaps its the travelling, nope, I don't mean the fatique. Just the whole process of travelling. It always brings out alot of emotions in me. In my younger days, I travelled to get over relationships, to figure out how I should proceed with my life; playing and re-playing the lyrics, "Where do I go from here....".
Anyway, this time round, I woke up in Shenzhen one morning and guess what I felt? I felt that its GREAT to be a civil servant! No Kidding. These words were my exact thoughts. And to top it all, I felt that I am just the right person to be a civil servant! Oh my gosh. What came over me? Did I wake up on the wrong side of the bed!? haha.
Unlike many of the children I watched on TV, I never really thought of what I want to be when I grow up. I hate the "My Ambition is..." kind of essays. For goodness sake, how the hell would a child know the essence of the word 'Ambition". So you see, very often, kids would want to be a teacher or even a father or a mother. Why? Because these are the characters they are familiar with. They don't know any better.
Anyway, back to me. I never quite figure out what I want to be when I grow up. All I know is I wanted to do something that would 'affect' the 'masses' in a positive way. That is say, I wanted a job that would 1) bring good to people and 2) lots of people. For a while, I thought social service is the answer but deep down, I just felt that was not it.
I thought I stumbled into TV but on hindsight, I did not stumble into it. It was the job that I always wanted. As a Current Affairs Producer, I scripted, directed and produced stories that affected and served to educate lots of people. Even then, it was not all smooth sailing at first. I was tasked to produce for Money Mind, a business and financial programme. I knew somehow it was just not me. I was miserable. I didn't know why. I should have listen to my heart - bring good to people and lots of people. With Money Mind, I 'brought' good to only the selected people. I was 'helping' the rich get richer if you may say. Is that what I seek? Nope. Subseqently, I did find my way. I found fulfilment in producing Code Red, Talking Point, elections coverage, social documentaries etc etc.
As a producer with Television Corporation of Singapore then, I was a civil servant.
A short stint meddling with marketing communications in a SIN bank thereafter proved once again that I have to listen to my heart. Some things wouldn't change. Some basic instincts just wouldn't.
I read about the Chinatown project in the papers. And most definitely I did not stumble onto the Singapore Tourism Board. It was again something I wanted to do. 'Bring good to people' - I speak Cantonese, I love Chinatown; its history, the culture. I speak good English. In other words, I can be the bridge between the unglam Cheena Chinatown folks and your regular English speaking 'government' people. I will understand the masses and yet have the ability to translate what they need and what they want to the 'government', the 'atas' architects, the 'glam' designers etc etc. This task will affect 'Lots of people' - the Chinatown folks, generations to come.
The empty taxi queue at the then World Trade Centre when the cruise business was down, the quiet hotels and malls during SARS; these scenarios affected me. They made me realise that my job is damn important. I think of myself as but a small fly, fry, whichever. When I go on education fairs in the last few years, I even thought of myself as a prostitute. You would if you have gone on fairs after fairs in India, Indonesia, Vietnam, Thailand, Moscow etc etc. You stand with your legs 'opened' at the booth, you try to look your best, you smile, you persuade, you explain. People come, people go. You can't choose who you want to serve. You reach a 'high' when the people you speak get what they want from you. I can go on but need I say more? But with all that, I go back fulfilled. I think of the possibility that my small contribution has resulted in an extra customer for a Citicab Uncle. That a hotel chambermaid Auntie has another room to clean.
I searched for years looking for meaning in life. Meaning in what I do. Perhaps I have always found it but I never realised it? Its in civil service that I found meaning. Oh my gosh, what did I just say? Me the 'to hell with it', 'I don't give a shit' person, Me the 'whats with all the paper work', Me the 'Rules are meant to be broken' gal....did I just say what I just said?
:-p
Anyway, this time round, I woke up in Shenzhen one morning and guess what I felt? I felt that its GREAT to be a civil servant! No Kidding. These words were my exact thoughts. And to top it all, I felt that I am just the right person to be a civil servant! Oh my gosh. What came over me? Did I wake up on the wrong side of the bed!? haha.
Unlike many of the children I watched on TV, I never really thought of what I want to be when I grow up. I hate the "My Ambition is..." kind of essays. For goodness sake, how the hell would a child know the essence of the word 'Ambition". So you see, very often, kids would want to be a teacher or even a father or a mother. Why? Because these are the characters they are familiar with. They don't know any better.
Anyway, back to me. I never quite figure out what I want to be when I grow up. All I know is I wanted to do something that would 'affect' the 'masses' in a positive way. That is say, I wanted a job that would 1) bring good to people and 2) lots of people. For a while, I thought social service is the answer but deep down, I just felt that was not it.
I thought I stumbled into TV but on hindsight, I did not stumble into it. It was the job that I always wanted. As a Current Affairs Producer, I scripted, directed and produced stories that affected and served to educate lots of people. Even then, it was not all smooth sailing at first. I was tasked to produce for Money Mind, a business and financial programme. I knew somehow it was just not me. I was miserable. I didn't know why. I should have listen to my heart - bring good to people and lots of people. With Money Mind, I 'brought' good to only the selected people. I was 'helping' the rich get richer if you may say. Is that what I seek? Nope. Subseqently, I did find my way. I found fulfilment in producing Code Red, Talking Point, elections coverage, social documentaries etc etc.
As a producer with Television Corporation of Singapore then, I was a civil servant.
A short stint meddling with marketing communications in a SIN bank thereafter proved once again that I have to listen to my heart. Some things wouldn't change. Some basic instincts just wouldn't.
I read about the Chinatown project in the papers. And most definitely I did not stumble onto the Singapore Tourism Board. It was again something I wanted to do. 'Bring good to people' - I speak Cantonese, I love Chinatown; its history, the culture. I speak good English. In other words, I can be the bridge between the unglam Cheena Chinatown folks and your regular English speaking 'government' people. I will understand the masses and yet have the ability to translate what they need and what they want to the 'government', the 'atas' architects, the 'glam' designers etc etc. This task will affect 'Lots of people' - the Chinatown folks, generations to come.
The empty taxi queue at the then World Trade Centre when the cruise business was down, the quiet hotels and malls during SARS; these scenarios affected me. They made me realise that my job is damn important. I think of myself as but a small fly, fry, whichever. When I go on education fairs in the last few years, I even thought of myself as a prostitute. You would if you have gone on fairs after fairs in India, Indonesia, Vietnam, Thailand, Moscow etc etc. You stand with your legs 'opened' at the booth, you try to look your best, you smile, you persuade, you explain. People come, people go. You can't choose who you want to serve. You reach a 'high' when the people you speak get what they want from you. I can go on but need I say more? But with all that, I go back fulfilled. I think of the possibility that my small contribution has resulted in an extra customer for a Citicab Uncle. That a hotel chambermaid Auntie has another room to clean.
I searched for years looking for meaning in life. Meaning in what I do. Perhaps I have always found it but I never realised it? Its in civil service that I found meaning. Oh my gosh, what did I just say? Me the 'to hell with it', 'I don't give a shit' person, Me the 'whats with all the paper work', Me the 'Rules are meant to be broken' gal....did I just say what I just said?
:-p
Saturday, March 04, 2006
6 cities in 2 weeks....
At its best, I felt I am Andy Lau or Anita Mui (oops, she's dead) ok ok Karen Mok on a multi-city concert tour. At its worst, I felt as if I am with the circus.. The last 2 weeks saw me in Xian, Shanghai, Xiamen, Fuzhou, Shenzhen and soon, Guangzhou. Its my first trip to Xiamen, Fuzhou and Shenzhen and I must say, Xiamen is pleasant. By the coast, its pretty close to where my grandparents came from. The palm trees, the shady walkways, the coastline, the sea; reminds me of home. U know what, I think I can live here. In Fuzhou, I ate the biggest fishball I have ever seen. Its HUGE but hmmm, so delicious. And I must say I like Shenzhen. Boy, all the bad publicity about Shenzhen must be untrue. Its so pleasant, exciting and at least there are clothes, shoes etc that are 'buyable'. :-) I feel at home in the south. Probably coz most of the Singaporean Chinese are from Fujian/Guangdong area. Its the same when I went to Chennai. I felt at home although me not Indian. But hey, the ancestors of my Indian friends came from the Madras so there you go.
Back to Beijing and then off to Dalian for work and then stay on over the weekend. Can't wait.
Cheers.
Back to Beijing and then off to Dalian for work and then stay on over the weekend. Can't wait.
Cheers.
Sunday, February 26, 2006
No one can 'bluff' you..
An industry member, Mr A commented in Chinese that "XXX is the type of girl that guys can easily 'bluff'. Unlike you". I smiled. I am not sure if thats meant to be a compliment or ?? What will he think if he ever know the real me, the real Miss Koh? That behind that tough, assertive and confident lady is a girl that has been repeatedly 'bluffed' :-)
One's ability at work does not equal one's ability in dealing with one's private or family life. U may be a champion at work but a loser otherwise, or vice-versa. A woman will always remain a girl at heart, no matter how tough she may be or she appears to be, at work. And really, deep down inside, every woman longs to 'bluffed'.
Its not so difficult to 'bluff' me. Its much easier that you think. Unfortunately.
:-p
One's ability at work does not equal one's ability in dealing with one's private or family life. U may be a champion at work but a loser otherwise, or vice-versa. A woman will always remain a girl at heart, no matter how tough she may be or she appears to be, at work. And really, deep down inside, every woman longs to 'bluffed'.
Its not so difficult to 'bluff' me. Its much easier that you think. Unfortunately.
:-p
Sunday, February 12, 2006
Where do WE go from here?
Just read a friend's email about her discovery of the sexual orientation of her childhood friend. As an ex-TV producer herself, her story was filled with suspense, doubt, ???, tinge of sadness and more. The making of a good script. Good storyline. Thats what I told her. And because of that email...
I miss TV, or rather I miss our days in TCS... More precisely, I miss our youthful days. I miss the life then that was filled with dreams, aspirations, suspense, doubt, ???. I thought each time I 'fell' then that it would be the end of the world but the end never came. I was young then and had my whole life ahead of me. I did all the things I wanna do and I kept having more and more things I wanna do. I did TV, I travelled to places pp wouldn't consider going, I explored places on my own. I took french, I took japanese, I took thai. Haha. I took batik painting, I took calligraphy, I took photography, pottery. U can't name them, I took them all. I dated indian chap, french men, vietnamese-aussie chap. I gave it all up (almost) and when off to France to stay for a few months. I fell in love under the Effel Tower. I made a French man follow me home, to Asia, to Singapore. I love films, I love the theatre, I love the stage.....My twenties would be what pp term exciting, fun and ahead of my time. Looking back, it was indeed so.
Then I hit 30 and things just went stagnant. My life just went stagnant. The 'growth' that was part of my life in the twenties never quite sustained. Yes, I continued to do the things I wanna do but I didn't quite move ahead. Or as the Chinese would say, there were dark clouds above my head. If I have gone to a fortune-teller in my twenties, I am pretty sure he would have been able to read that from my palm or my face perhaps. :-). I just didn't have the same zest, the same passion, the same what have you that I had in my twenties. Part of aging or did I move too fast, too soon when I was younger? I became tired and bored. SIAN is the word.
Honestly I do not know what I am living for now. Whats ahead of me. I seem to have done all the things I ever wanna do. I am not even excited about travelling anymore. Have I gone to too many countries too soon? Yes, granted that many people have been to Vietnam, Nepal and now I am actually residing in Beijing but I first went to Vietnam, Beijing, Nepal etc etc way back, in the 90s, when I was still in school, when I first started work. Yes, I 'jumped-queue'. I just packed and left. Even whilst pp are struggling with their job, their school life.. I wanted to see the world, to have a taste of life. And then all these just came to an 'end', spiritually at least, when I hit 30. Things just went down hill....literally.
Where am I heading? I don't know. Maybe nowhere. And thats a scary thought.
Whats my passion in life now? I don't know. Maybe I don't have any now. And thats sad.
Maybe I shld be doing things people my age shld be doing but I am not doing them so I am lost. But its not a deliberate choice. Its not as if I chose to take this path.
Is there nowhere out?
Does it really matter?
:-)
I miss TV, or rather I miss our days in TCS... More precisely, I miss our youthful days. I miss the life then that was filled with dreams, aspirations, suspense, doubt, ???. I thought each time I 'fell' then that it would be the end of the world but the end never came. I was young then and had my whole life ahead of me. I did all the things I wanna do and I kept having more and more things I wanna do. I did TV, I travelled to places pp wouldn't consider going, I explored places on my own. I took french, I took japanese, I took thai. Haha. I took batik painting, I took calligraphy, I took photography, pottery. U can't name them, I took them all. I dated indian chap, french men, vietnamese-aussie chap. I gave it all up (almost) and when off to France to stay for a few months. I fell in love under the Effel Tower. I made a French man follow me home, to Asia, to Singapore. I love films, I love the theatre, I love the stage.....My twenties would be what pp term exciting, fun and ahead of my time. Looking back, it was indeed so.
Then I hit 30 and things just went stagnant. My life just went stagnant. The 'growth' that was part of my life in the twenties never quite sustained. Yes, I continued to do the things I wanna do but I didn't quite move ahead. Or as the Chinese would say, there were dark clouds above my head. If I have gone to a fortune-teller in my twenties, I am pretty sure he would have been able to read that from my palm or my face perhaps. :-). I just didn't have the same zest, the same passion, the same what have you that I had in my twenties. Part of aging or did I move too fast, too soon when I was younger? I became tired and bored. SIAN is the word.
Honestly I do not know what I am living for now. Whats ahead of me. I seem to have done all the things I ever wanna do. I am not even excited about travelling anymore. Have I gone to too many countries too soon? Yes, granted that many people have been to Vietnam, Nepal and now I am actually residing in Beijing but I first went to Vietnam, Beijing, Nepal etc etc way back, in the 90s, when I was still in school, when I first started work. Yes, I 'jumped-queue'. I just packed and left. Even whilst pp are struggling with their job, their school life.. I wanted to see the world, to have a taste of life. And then all these just came to an 'end', spiritually at least, when I hit 30. Things just went down hill....literally.
Where am I heading? I don't know. Maybe nowhere. And thats a scary thought.
Whats my passion in life now? I don't know. Maybe I don't have any now. And thats sad.
Maybe I shld be doing things people my age shld be doing but I am not doing them so I am lost. But its not a deliberate choice. Its not as if I chose to take this path.
Is there nowhere out?
Does it really matter?
:-)
Thursday, February 09, 2006
One n Only One BIG LOVE in one's lifetime?
A good pal once asked me if its true that there can only be ONE BIG LOVE in one's life and I said YES, and that I had had experienced that ONE BIG LOVE. Its not as if I did not love the guys after this ONE BIG LOVE but they were different and you know when its never quite the same. Love yes, BUT not THE LOVE.
I thought I was right. I held that thought for years. But now all I want to tell this good pal (it doesn't matter to her no more as she has gone on to marry her other big love :-)) is that, its NOT TRUE. You can have more than ONE BIG LOVE in your lifetime. Its that special someone, that special person that you know you will NEVER ever forget. That you know you truly love. That you know you can imagine and look forward to spending the rest of your life happily with him.
I had the change to experience TWO BIG LOVE in this lifetime. But I lost both of them. M I lucky or m I lucky?
I thought I was right. I held that thought for years. But now all I want to tell this good pal (it doesn't matter to her no more as she has gone on to marry her other big love :-)) is that, its NOT TRUE. You can have more than ONE BIG LOVE in your lifetime. Its that special someone, that special person that you know you will NEVER ever forget. That you know you truly love. That you know you can imagine and look forward to spending the rest of your life happily with him.
I had the change to experience TWO BIG LOVE in this lifetime. But I lost both of them. M I lucky or m I lucky?
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
A picture tells a thousand words they say...
but how a photo is composed; the angle it was taken, the subject portrayed etc reflects the mood, the character, the thoughts of the composer as well. The following series of photos were taken by a friend. What kind of person would take such photos u reckon?
SnapShot of Christmas and New Year 2006 in Beijing
Brrhh....These photos just about sum up my Christmas n New Year in Beijing. New experiences, friends and moments that warmed my heart in otherwise col....dddd Beijing.
Free your mind...the rest will follow...
Free your mind...the rest will follow...
Ooh...I forgot about Christmas...lunch in an Orchard with Ruhani and Beijing friends
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Wednesday, January 11, 2006
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