Just read a friend's email about her discovery of the sexual orientation of her childhood friend. As an ex-TV producer herself, her story was filled with suspense, doubt, ???, tinge of sadness and more. The making of a good script. Good storyline. Thats what I told her. And because of that email...
I miss TV, or rather I miss our days in TCS... More precisely, I miss our youthful days. I miss the life then that was filled with dreams, aspirations, suspense, doubt, ???. I thought each time I 'fell' then that it would be the end of the world but the end never came. I was young then and had my whole life ahead of me. I did all the things I wanna do and I kept having more and more things I wanna do. I did TV, I travelled to places pp wouldn't consider going, I explored places on my own. I took french, I took japanese, I took thai. Haha. I took batik painting, I took calligraphy, I took photography, pottery. U can't name them, I took them all. I dated indian chap, french men, vietnamese-aussie chap. I gave it all up (almost) and when off to France to stay for a few months. I fell in love under the Effel Tower. I made a French man follow me home, to Asia, to Singapore. I love films, I love the theatre, I love the stage.....My twenties would be what pp term exciting, fun and ahead of my time. Looking back, it was indeed so.
Then I hit 30 and things just went stagnant. My life just went stagnant. The 'growth' that was part of my life in the twenties never quite sustained. Yes, I continued to do the things I wanna do but I didn't quite move ahead. Or as the Chinese would say, there were dark clouds above my head. If I have gone to a fortune-teller in my twenties, I am pretty sure he would have been able to read that from my palm or my face perhaps. :-). I just didn't have the same zest, the same passion, the same what have you that I had in my twenties. Part of aging or did I move too fast, too soon when I was younger? I became tired and bored. SIAN is the word.
Honestly I do not know what I am living for now. Whats ahead of me. I seem to have done all the things I ever wanna do. I am not even excited about travelling anymore. Have I gone to too many countries too soon? Yes, granted that many people have been to Vietnam, Nepal and now I am actually residing in Beijing but I first went to Vietnam, Beijing, Nepal etc etc way back, in the 90s, when I was still in school, when I first started work. Yes, I 'jumped-queue'. I just packed and left. Even whilst pp are struggling with their job, their school life.. I wanted to see the world, to have a taste of life. And then all these just came to an 'end', spiritually at least, when I hit 30. Things just went down hill....literally.
Where am I heading? I don't know. Maybe nowhere. And thats a scary thought.
Whats my passion in life now? I don't know. Maybe I don't have any now. And thats sad.
Maybe I shld be doing things people my age shld be doing but I am not doing them so I am lost. But its not a deliberate choice. Its not as if I chose to take this path.
Is there nowhere out?
Does it really matter?
:-)
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2 comments:
sayang... go find a good fengshui masterlah there to erase the"dark clouds over your head"...
There is always a solution to life.. seek it!!
i think you just went ahead and climbed a really steep mountain and so reached a plateau ahead of many people. but a plateau is not necessarily a bad place to be in in. where else can you sit, take a breather and ponder your next step? the sun shines on a plateau, as it does in the valleys and on the slopes. drink in the quiet, enjoy your time of rest, and garner your strength for the next climb. it's coming, i have no doubt. i hit that plateau years ago, and feel like i've been there forever too but you know what? i found something, a new hope, and you will find it too. Il y a d'espoir pour un nouveau niveau de la vie!
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